if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
