You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
