Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
