I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
