Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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