I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
