don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
