What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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