just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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