What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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