I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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