not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
