We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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