I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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