I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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