who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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