I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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