So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
