OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
