What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I forget how to act sober
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