Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
