We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just want to make out with him forever
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize