im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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