Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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