Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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