i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
