Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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