I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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