Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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