quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
