I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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