Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
