take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
