Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We need to get me chipped asap
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
