Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
