I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
