Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
