I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
