A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize