haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
