Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
