The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
