you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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