I want to walk on stilts...naked
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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