You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
