id be glad to
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
