My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
