just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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