I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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