Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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