We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
