Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
