Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
