I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
