Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
